This is a wakeup call for all you helpers, healers, rescuers, people-pleasers and over-givers.

Yes, you care, you have a huge heart and it pains you to see people you love (and possibly total strangers as well) struggle and sink into their personal pit of despair.

You are also quite possibly an empath, so you feel everyone else’s shit acutely.

As if it were your own at times.

It makes you feel so uncomfortable... that... you... simply... must... do... something... about it.

Help them.

Heal them.

Make them feel better.

Make You feel better.

When you have the desire (or urge) to help, it is important to check in with your Spirit or Heart to understand the “why” behind the desire.

Intent is so important.

Let me repeat this… INTENT is so important because it sets the tone that the energy is coming from.

So not all helping is of equal vibration.

If you are suddenly feeling weird or guilty about this… stop it! I’m talking about this to help you help yourself, not to judge. OK!?!

Often times, the need to help or heal or rescue or fix someone is coming from a belief that they can’t do it themselves.

Maybe they can, maybe they can’t and maybe they just don’t want to… yet (or ever).

And that is their choice. They have free will.

You don’t have a right to impose your will on them.

If they ask for help, that’s a different story.

If they ask for help, pay attention to the energy behind that request.

Is it lip-service (they don’t mean it),

Desperation for a quick fix (they want you to do their work),

Or an honest-to-goodness desire to heal something (they are willing to own their crap and work on it).

You must know where they are coming from before you jump into helper mode.

Their intent is as important as your intent.

When the intent vibrations are in alignment, transformation can occur. Magic can flow.

When the intents are not aligned, drama and spiraling and doubt and a whole host of other side effects occur.

Where is the Desire to Help Coming From?

Super Hero... When you believe that someone isn’t able to do it themselves and you’re so strong and capable...

...you can handle carrying this person, or family, or tribe or situation or whatever...

well that is really a form of ego insecurity masquerading as arrogance or superiority.

(This was one of mine by the way... mostly healed now thanks to a lot of inner work!)

Another way that helping and healing others goes sideways is People Pleasing and Over-giving.

These often come from a belief in not being good enough, accepted, approved of, worthy/deserving, or loved/lovable.

This form of helping is coming from lack and desires to be loved, appreciated, and accepted in return for all the help and giving being handled out.

(Yep... did this for a while too, and have stopped doing the people pleasing bit. Again thanks to a lot of inner work! Still have a little work to do in the over-giving department as an unconscious way to "prove or show" my value in business.)

A third way is Rescuing and Fixing people.

This assumes that you know what is better for them.

And one rarely knows what another Soul’s contract is or what their journey is about.

This is another form of spiritual arrogance or ego playing mind games with you and is often used as a distraction to keep you from working on your own stuff.

Giving from unconditional love or Pure Heart and Compassion ask for nothing and require nothing in return.

AND it comes with non-attachment to the person and the outcome.

No strings attached – not even hidden subconscious strings.

When Helping Turns into Hurting

When Helping is coming from fear, lack, need, ego and other beliefs of not enough in some way, there is an unspoken agreement that if you do this for them, they’ll do this for you (the “this” can vary greatly depending on the underlying need).

The other person is unaware of this unspoken agreement and doesn’t comply.

You do more. They take more.

You give even more. They take even more.

You feel depleted, used, unappreciated, and assorted other icky feelings.

They might feel any number of things, including that you are meddling.

Resentment builds...

If unaddressed it morphs into anger.

If still unaddressed, the anger at them turns into anger at yourself for caring and giving so much.

Again.

You probably use harsh words on yourself.

And you might resort to comfort foods, drinks and other coping skills you learned as a child to help you deal with feeling this way.

In truth, by over-giving you are eroding your self-esteem and diminishing yourself. You are not helping them and you are now hurting you.

And… this is because you have your own wound you wanted to heal or lesson you wanted to learn about just how amazing and lovable and desirable and brilliant you are.

You wanted to learn that you are absolutely enough as is.

When that is one of our lessons, we barter ourselves in the hopes that others will finally see how wonderful we are.

We attract people who are more than willing to take what we have to give.

Until we say;

“Stop. I am worth more than this. I deserve to be loved and cherished and appreciated and treated with respect.”

The only one who can give you the love and approval and appreciation you desire

is YOU.

When you start treating yourself with love and respect, others start seeing you differently and treating you differently.

You have a new attraction level.

Bottom Line:

If you are a healer or helper and big-hearted giver, it’s important to know when helping others is hurting you.

1) Be aware of where your desire or urge to help and give is coming from.

If it feels light and fills you up, you’re coming from heart space.

If it feels heavy and draining or frustrating, it is probably coming from need, lack, ego or fear (or other disempowering belief).

Remedy - give yourself a hug, do something special for yourself and show yourself some love. Then ask yourelf what is this really about? What is this trying to show me?

2) Then pay attention to the signs that you are moving from service to servitude and sliding down into martyrdom.

Service is empowering, heart centered.

Servitude is disempowering and fear centered.

Remedy - set your intention to come from love, set strong boundaries and enforce the hell out of them! And if you feel like a door mat or martyr, stop what you are doing, show yourself some love and ask yourelf what is this really about? What is this trying to show me? 

3) Be Kind and Compassionate with yourself. You are F-ing Precious!

Yeah, you so are! Isn't it time to start believing it?!

Love & Blessings,

Karen

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PS. I'd love to hear your experiences about how helping others might have been hurting you... You can share in the comments area below!

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